Fighting Insecurity!

I have always been a shy person.  It is amazing that I have grown up to live such a public life of performing, blogging, and being active on social media! I guess probably not surprisingly, but I have always suffered from insecurity.

Recently I have been thinking back to try to figure out where this started.  My parents were always very supportive, and I don’t believe that any of my teachers ever put me down.  Somehow, though, I have always felt like I have been placed as second best.  I have always felt like I am good, but not great.

In high school when I decided to study music, I remember that I did not tell my violin teacher until after the audition.  I chose to prepare for the audition on my own without his help because I was worried that he would tell me that I was not good enough to study music.  I wonder what he actually would have said.  I am sure that he would have helped me prepare and likely would have been very encouraging!

In university I was placed with a teacher who was retiring after my first year.  I told her that I wanted to enter the performance program, and she told me outright that I was not good enough.  The violin teacher than I transferred to in my second year was much more supportive, but by that point I no longer had thoughts of transferring to performance.  I decided that music theory was to be my profession.

Over the years, I have battled these feelings of being second best.  They certainly have not stopped me from having a very successful career in both teaching and performing!   Since the middle of 2016 I have been taking life on and taking on many projects that put me out in the spotlight.  Here are different projects that I have been working on that challenge my feelings of insecurity:

1. Recording a CD of 100% original music:  This is terrifying!  I have recorded a few tracks of my own on my past CDs, but never all music of my own.  It seems to go over well in shows, but again, I always make sure to put in many great well-known tunes as well.

 

1. Uploading videos to YouTube:  People can be vicious in their comments on YouTube.  I have been wanting to start uploading videos on a regular basis because it is a great way to have new people discover your music, but my fear of people being mean has stopped me.  This year I have been making friends with YouTube and have been uploading videos three times a week.

 

1. Holding a crowdfunding campaign:  In case recording a CD of original music was not scary enough, I decided to approach the pubic to help me raise funds.  This means that I set myself up with the possibility of being rejected twice over, once by not being able to raise the funds, and two by releasing my own music into the world.

 

1. Holding my CD launch concert at the Playhouse:  I have decided to hold my CD launch concert event at the Playhouse, Fredericton’s premier performance venue that holds an audience of over 600.

I know that I look very comfortable in my “Tea & Tunes” videos as well as on-stage.  I love performing live and do feel very comfortable.  I struggle more with anything that is recorded for posterity because then any mistakes you make are there forever.

Thank you to all of you who have supported me over the years!  As much as I try not to need external justification, we all do!  I wanted to share this with you so that if you are experiencing feelings of insecurity you can know that it is completely normal, and that even professionals have these feelings.